Covid-19 and domestic abuse: the darkest side of the global pandemic

During the covid-19 pandemic and the several lockdowns worldwide, many surveys have shown a significant increase of domestic abuse since January 2020. Yes, we can all agree that all the restrictive measures have severly affected our mental health but as Jacky Mulveen, project manager of Women’s Empowerment and Recovery Educator says “Covid doesn’t make an abuser”. This phenomenon is so wide that has even a name, “Shadow pandemic”.

Here are some datas to give you a general overview on the increasing phenomenon during the pandemic:

+ 300% in Hubei, China

+25% in Argentina

+30% in Cyprus

+33% in Singapore

+50% in Brazil.

+200% calls for domestic abuse in the UK

+73% calls for domestic abuse in Italy

(Source: American Journal of Emergency Medicine and the United Nations group U.N Women)

WARNING: sensitive contents and images.

Here comes the hardest part for me: sharing my personal experience to help others who might find themselves in this type of situation. I won’t give any specific detail about the person who physically and verbally abused me because i haven’t reported the domestic violence.

First of all, the question that pop ups in everyone’s mind when i tell them what happened to me is “why did you stay? Couldn’t you leave?” and everytime this question would come up i wanted to scream ” IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY”.

Imagine finding yourself knowing a person for a long time, this same person gives you attention, love, affection and makes really big statement about their feelings for you and the endless love that they feel for you, then one day in an ordinary fight they slap you. Your brain and heart have really an hard time processing rationally what happened. At first, i thought “why would they do that? Do i deserve it?”. Your brain can’t accept this kind of pain and it makes any type of excuses to justify the other person’s violent act. The thing is, that if something like this happens, a “simple” slap in the face, you should rationally run away as far as possible from that person, because the situation can only become worse and i’ve seen it and lived it.

Sometimes i feel ashamed, because i think to myself “You. A huge femminist, always on the line against any type of discrimination and violence allowed this person to stay and physically and verbally abuse you. you must be crazy” but then i try to not be so hard on myself and to feel empathy for myself.

A slap wasn’t enough to leave, their hands on my neck, the bruises on my chest, neck and face weren’t enough to leave nor was it them spitting on me during an argument or throwing water at me or picking me from the hair while screaming how worthless of a woman i was. I was blind, completly fucking blind. One day this person was the perfect partner and the other day would become this horrific person.

If i close my eyes i can still hear their words echo. “no one would believe you, you’re crazy, you made me do this, i’ve never done something like that before,you led me into it and you’re trying to destroy my life, it’s not that big of a deal, i’m not leaving you because you are completely alone, you suck, you are a disgusting woman, go kill yourself, if you try to report me i’ll drug you in your sleep so that they would think that you’re just a crazy junkie, you are a whore and so on.” Leaving this relatioship was one of the hardest thing that i had to do in my life, and it was also one of the most traumatic experience that probably i won’t ever forget.

Now you may ask yourself why didn’t i report the abuse. Again, it’s not that easy, because the system won’t give enough help to the victims but rather blaming them in a lot of cases and let’s not forget about the slugshiness of bureaucracy. At the end of the day it’s their word against mine.

After these photos of my body after some fights with this person, all that i can say is: RUN AWAY AT THE FIRST RED FLAG if you can.

“if they verbally abuse you, they will physically abuse you, if they physically abuse you, they will kill you. It’s not a matter of if but when” by lieutenant Joe Kenda.

This is me. A part of the percentage of abused victims during the 2021 Covid-19 pandemic.

This is my “Shadow pandemic”.

How to get over a break-up (during a global pandemic)

We can all agree that breakups are the worst and everyone has been through at least once during their lifetime. however, what happens when you are breaking up during a global pandemic? Well, in my experience it’s pretty hard, but i “survived”. All of my friends and blogs/ articles/videos had many suggestions to get over a breakup ( I’m not ashamed to admit that i did several research on the topic, but i mean, we all have our low points in life right?). So let’s see what has worked so far and what not.

A pill for an heartbreak: would you take it?

https://www.cbc.ca/radio/ideas/if-a-pill-could-ease-your-heartbreak-or-enhance-your-relationship-would-you-take-it-1.5985496

Okay let’s start with my friends suggestions and my rates:

• Going out and leaving the house 6/10
• Working out 8/10
• Study 9/10
• Watching tv series or movies 4/10
• Finding a rebound guy 3-4/10

Let’s analyze each one of them. The first one is going out or leaving the house in general, i rated this 6/10 because where the hell should i go during a global pandemic? walk? okay and then what? Nope, not really effective.

The second suggestion was working out. In the first month i could barely eat and leave the bed let alone working out. However, after 2/3 months i started working out six days per week and I’ve gotta say, it was pretty useful to blow off some steam. Working out was pretty effective, that’s why i rated it 8/10.

Now, the most controversial suggestion was studying, because when you’re heartbroken, craying desperately in bed, studying it’s not the first thing on your mind. But you know what? It freaking helps. Apparently, i tend to work better when i’m suffering and i turned into a workaholic version of myself. I do like this version, it makes me feel powerful and it gives me a sense of general control on my life. So i couldn’t not give 9/10 as a final rate.

Now, let’s talk about distracting myself with tv series and movies. I do know that this works perfectly for some people but honestly it wasn’t ideal for me. I tend to overthink and especially to empathize and fully compare my life to everything that i watch, so this suggestion was no good for me. Every quote, every word would remind me of something that has happened before the breakup and honestly i didn’t want to face this feeling.

Okay, here we are with the last suggestion, finding a rebound guy. I guess that this one is really a personal experience because i’ve seen many people getting over their exes with a rebound, but for me? Nope, it didn’t work because i tended to compare every guy with my ex. I was always like ” my ex would have done/ said/acted/answered differently”.

Online research (videos, articles etc) suggestions and my rates:

• Going out especially with friends 4/5
• Changing your hair/ outfit 4/5
• Do not, I repeat, do not contact and stalk the ex on any social media platforms 10/10
• Working out again 8/10
• Getting to know new people (not on a romantic level) 6/10
• Meditating/ Journaling/ listening to empowering podcasts 8/10

Okay we’re here again rating the suggestions above. Let’s start with going out with friends, again the most exciting thing during a pandemic what can be? being isolated at home to ruminate and it’s not ideal. The suggestion was going out with friends.

1. I repeat where the hell should i go during a global pandemic?

2. What if you have 2 friends and one of them is in a relatioship so they don’t really have much time? So that’s why i gave 4/5 on this.

Now let’s analyze changing hair/ outfit. I mean i do like my style so i didn’t find any reason to change it, maybe shopping could have been therapeutic on a certain level, but that’s all. As far as changing my hair, i did it, i went full blond and cut my hair shorter than i ever did before and i do like how it turned out. Was it helpful? not really, so i think that 5/5 it’s fair enough.

Not stalking or contacting the ex for any reason, was the biggest and most useful thing. It did really help me to detach and get used to a new routine. A solo routine, it is good to be by your own and enjoying your own company. Not contacting and especially not stalking on social media ( we all know the expression “out of sight, out of mind” well, it’s definetely true) has helped me tremendously, so that’s why i rate this 10/10.

I won’t talk again about the effectiveness of working out, i still stand on the previous statement of 8/10.

Now let’s see the suggestion regarding the socialization aspect. Again WHERE THE HELL SHOULD I MEET NEW PEOPLE DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC??? and let’s be real here , dating apps have the word “dating” in it for one reason, people are not there to make meaningful friendships but rather romantic or mostly sexual ones. So you can guess my rate..yep exactly 6/10, i mean, the idea per se it’s not that bad, but it’s not really an option during a global pandemic.

Now there are the more ” spiritual” suggestions: meditating, journaling and listening to empowering podcasts. As a far as meditating, i did enjoy to have a moment all by myself to detach, think, breath and it made me feel more relaxed, calmed and focused. I did like to journal, i mean i write here online, why wouldn’t i have liked it? and when it comes to the empowering podcasts, they were great not only because my mind was focused on something else, but because while distracting myself, i was at the same time improving my english by listening to american podcasts.

General conclusions

According to many scientists “romantic love is an addiction, however, perhaps none is more convincing than the growing data from neuroscience. Using fMRI, several scientists have now shown that feelings of intense romantic love engage regions of the brain’s “reward system”: specifically, dopamine pathways associated with energy, focus, motivation, ecstasy, despair, and craving, including primary regions associated with substance (and non-substance) addictions.” So yeah, breaking up it’s as hard as quitting smoking or breaking a bad habit. But we can adjust to new habits and routines. On average it takes up to 66 days to be exactly to adjust to a new routine. You just have to wait, trust the process,your own strenght and most importantly you must remember the old-fashioned but still correct expression “time heals everything”.